DICKS BY DESIGN
DICK VAN DICK will be opening for LESION at ARLENE GROCERY on
MONDAY, AUGUST 26th at 7:00 pm as part of the LESION LIFESTYLE.
We'll be giving out CD singles from the upcoming album AMERICAN DICK
as well as some previously unreleased live tracks. Bring your mom.

DICK VAN DICK SAYS "CHILL"
Give us some time to "reorg" yo.

DASTARDLY DOUBLE-TEAM: DICK VAN DICK / LESION
The DICK will be opening for those miserable geniuses, LESION,
on Saturday, April 13 at 10 pm at ARLENE GROCERY.
We'll be debuting some new songs off our upcoming CD.
As usual, general mayhem and debauchery will ensue.
Be sure to bring your little sister.

ATTENTION DICKHEADS:
DICK VAN DICK SECURES GIG AT ACME UNDERGROUND,
NATION BREATHES COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF
What: A kick-ass gig where we debut a crapload of new songs.
When: Saturday Feb. 23rd @ 11 p.m.
Where: ACME UNDERGROUND, 9 Great Jones St. bet. B'way & Lafayette
Why: Because we're sick of recording the new CD.
How: With our feet on the ground and our asses to the stars!

THE DICKLESS WONDER
What do the Dickless wonder?
They wonder what the fuck THE DICK have been up to lately, that's
what. Well, the boys have been real busy lately, mapping out the
near-future of DICK VAN DICK and their beloved DICKHEADS.

First off, THE DICK just finished mixing down the live tracks from the
Halloween show at ARLENE GROCERY, and they fucking ROCK.
It never ceases to amaze us here at DICK VAN DICK CENTRAL how
the guys continually reach new apexes of KICK-ASS at their live shows.
A big shout-out to the guys from LESION for the hook-up. The tracks
may be released as a CD later on, hold your breath.

Secondly, plans for the next album are underway with the boys
heading into the studio in early January for a possible February release.
We're hoping for a nice romantic Valentine's Day release party with
cock-straps, chocolate covered cherries and ass-ticklers.

Thirdly, we're setting up a late December or early January gig as a
warm-up for recording the CD. This is not a gig you wanna miss,
motherfucker. THE DICK will be debuting all-new, never-heard,
ass-throttling tracks as a lead-in for the new CD's release. So clear
your damn calendars you self-absorbed assholes.

That's about it for now. If anyone has any preferences for days or
times of the next gig, let us know and we'll take in into consideration.

RIDGE TAPS DICK TO HEAD HOMELAND ROCKING
WASHINGTON (AP) - In a bold move tailored to show the world just
how seriously America is taking the terrorist threat, Homeland
Security Chief Tom Ridge met with congressional leaders today to
establish the U.S. Department of Rock. Ridge went on to name
New York rockers, DICK VAN DICK, to head up the fledging office's
Bureau of Kick-Ass.

"We're dealing with shadow soldiers, a shadow enemy," Ridge
said, "We need some kick-ass rockers, taking care of business
right here at home, if we hope to win this thing. And nobody kicks
ass like The Dick."

Reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed.

"Dick Van who?" Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said, "I
haven't heard from him since 'Diagnosis Murder' got canned."

"Oh my god!" screamed an ecstatic Jenna Bush, "DICK VAN DICK
is gonna be working for MY dad? They are sooooo cute. Where's my
condoms... uh, I mean camera?"

At a press conference immediately following the announcement,
DICK VAN DICK front-man, Joe Porletto, expressed some confusion
about the appointment.

"...um ...whassa?" Porletto said.

According to inside sources, the first official action taken by
DICK VAN DICK as the head of the Bureau of Kick-Ass will be to
hold a "Kick-Ass Halloween Rockfest" tonight at ARLENE GROCERY
(95 Stanton Street, between Ludlow and Orchard, one block
south of Houston).

A press aide for 'The Dick' said that there will be a $5 cover, lots of
"booze and broads" and a costume contest. And, in a show of
international solidarity, German rockers LESION will also be appearing.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DICK
DICK VAN DICK has been "triple-confirmed" for a Halloween gig
at ARLENE GROCERY. We'll be following those bastions of evil, LESION.
This is going to be an awesome show with a lot of surprises, the least of
which being the mystery bass player who'll be standing in with THE DICK.

Here's the info:
WHO: DICK VAN DICK & LESION (www.lesionallevil.com)
WHAT: Bitchin' Halloween Rockfest
WHERE: ARLENE GROCERY (www.arlene-grocery.com)
WHEN: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2001
WHY: Because SATAN commands it.
HOW: With plenty of blood, balls and broads.

THE SEARCH FOR DICK
We need some time to audition new bass players yo, but we
should be set to rock a sweet-ass Halloween gig. Stay tuned!

RETURN OF THE DICK
The latest incarnation of Dick Van Dick has cajoled themselves a gig at:

D O W N T I M E
251 West 30th Street Between 7th & 8th Avenues
for Thursday, August 30th at 10 p.m. precisely.
More to follow...

ONE DICK DOWN
If any of you Dickheads know of anybody who'd like to play bass
for The Dick, please have them call Joe at (718) 633-8003 ASAFP.
More to follow...

POLL UP YOUR ASS
Take a second and vote for your favorite Dick Van Dick song. You won't win anything.
and since we don't care what anyone thinks of us, we won't put any weight on the results.
It's pretty much just a waste of time, but what the hell, you got anything better to do?

PREPARE FOR BATTLE!
That's right Dickheads, the boys have suited up, sharpened their weapons
and kissed their moms goodbye all in preparation for their first:
B A T T L E O F T H E B A N D S
And on Sunday, July 1 at 10 p.m. Dick Van Dick will raise the black flag
and dive headfirst into the bloody fray at:
THE WRONGWAY INN in Amityville, NY
(Southern State Pky. East to Exit 32 (Rt. 110 South) 5 miles South on right)
So all of you Long Island Dickheads better come out to support our boys,
they're gonna need it. Dick Van Dick also has a possible Fourth of July gig
at some loft party in Manhattan and all Dickheads are invited, more to follow.
For all of you miserable pieces of shit that missed the last gig (which totally
fucking rocked) pics of the gig are posted in the Media section of the website.

THE DICK GO UNDERGROUND
After a short break to work on new material, DICK VAN DICK has secured a
gig at ACME UNDERGROUND (9 Great Jones St. bet. Broadway & Lafayette)
The Dick will be performing on Monday, June 4th at 9:30 p.m. precisely.
This is gonna be all new Dick people, so you do not want to miss it.
THANKS DICKHEADS
We'd just like to thank everyone who made the gig last week. We really
appreciated you guys showing up and we hope you enjoyed the show. True
to form, the Dick held their own on a pretty talented (and shirtless) bill.

As a result of the gig, Dick Van Dick has been commissioned to play a
birthday party being held at the Downtime this Sunday. This is a private
gig, so no Dickheads allowed, but we'll let you know how it turns out.
The Dick have also been asked to contribute a track to the indie film
"Deleterious" being put together by those creative geniuses over at
Midnight Mind. It looks like 'Sick Body' will be the one. More to follow...
Oh yeah, if you haven't heard already you can buy 'dicktastrophe'
online from cdbaby.com. Make sure you pick one up today! CALL IN 'DICK' TO WORK
Dick Van Dick will be playing at
Downtime
251 West 30th St.
(212) 695-2747
Thursday, March 22nd at 10 p.m. precisely

Now, we know a lot of you Dickheads have been complaining about the time
of the gig. Stop being pussies. If you're so concerned about it, just call in
'Dick' to work the next day. Don't know how to call in 'Dick?'
Just follow this handy format:

(ring, ring)
Boss: "Hello."
You: "Hi Boss, it's me."
Boss: "You! Why aren't you at work?"
You: "Uh, I'm Dick."
Boss: "What? You're what?"
You: "I'm Dick."
Boss: "You're sick?"
You: "No, Dick."
Boss: "Did you say Dick?"
You: "Yeah, Dick."
Boss: "Who the Hell is Dick?!?"
You: "I am."
Boss: "I don't understand, you're not coming to work
because you're... uh... because you're Dick?"
You: "Exactly."
Boss: "...hmmm, maybe it is a good idea you stay home,
you don't sound well."
You: "Ok, thanks, Dick, uh, I mean Boss, C'ya."
(click)

See how easy it is? So we'll expect you all at the gig.
GIVE US A BREAK
The boys have taken a small break from gigging to work on some new material.
I know you may think we're a little biased, but we gotta say the new stuff f'in rocks.
Songs like, "America's Sweetheart," "Exit 55," and "Action Jackson" bring The Dick
to a whole new level of rock. All of you Dickheads should be stewing in puddles of your
anticipatory body fluids while awaiting this remergence of rock's newest superstars.
MANY DICKFELT THANKS
We here at Dick Van Dick Central would like to extend our most heartfelt thanks
to all of you Dickheads who attended the show Saturday night at the Downtime.

The show was a most glorious success. Never in our wildest dreams did we
ever imagine that The Dick would be able to draw a crowd like it did Saturday night.

Because they boys were able to draw enough people to satisfy Neville, the Aussie
nut who booked them, Dick Van Dick will be playing at the Downtime again in a month
or so and will be able to give away even more free Dick Van Dick merchandise.

Now, like we've said before, the boys in the band are a lot harder on themselves then
they need to be sometimes, and having said that we can't help but mention how bad
Joe feels for what he deemed to be a horrible performance on his part. He forgot verses
to Dick Van Dick standards, he broke a string, he played the wrong chords and generally
just acted like a blundering dolt. The reasons for his actions are many, the first being that
he just isn't really that good a musician. He just kinda gets up there and "goes with the
flow" as he puts it. Chris and Hank are the musical backbone of the band, Joe's
just another pretty face. But, there are some other factors that may have contributed to
his "sucking"; he ate a two-pound Uncle Moe's burrito earlier that day and followed it
up with a handful of MaHuang Extract pills, which always kinda skewers his gourd,
both his brothers were in the audience and those two goons would make anyone
nervous and we're not sure about this, but we suspect that he has a schoolboy
crush on a certain Dickhead and when he realized she was at the show he got all
giddy and lost his cool. Whatever the reason though, Joe apologizes and has
promised to make it up to the all of you loyal Dick Van Dickheads at future gigs.

Now, as for the 25 songs Joe promised to write about 25 Dickheads, some of the
songs are already in the works. Some Dickheads though, are not eligible to have
songs written about them. People like Bev (Bev!), Melissa (Tiny Ears), Lori (Dreidle),
Stacey (Ten Things), and Mike (Bring in Demasi) already have songs and we go by
a strict "one to a customer" policy. For the rest of you, just reply to this email and write
a short little HONEST paragraph about yourself disclosing anything you think is relevant
to who you are. If Joe knows you well enough, he'll ignore this paragraph and write about
how HE sees you, but if you and Joe aren't that close, this will be what he goes on to pen
your little diddy. The first 25 to reply get songs, the rest have to wait until the next gig.

Did you say next gig?

Sure did, chum!

The next gig will be at Sin-e in Williamsburg on Saturday, January 27th.
Dick Van Dick will be opening for those Monsters of Rock, LESION.
Details will follow, but go to www.lesionallevil.com for more info.

Once again, thanks so much to those of you who were able to come
to the show, it really meant a lot to us and we are very grateful.

Here are some working titles Joe's been tossing around for the first few fan songs:

Steve Pagano's - "Pagano a mano"
Max Brustmeyer's - "Schnell!"
Rob Goldblatt's - "Friend of a friend"
Anastasia Kinsella's - "America's Sweetheart"
Mike Soldinger's - "Rasin nipples"
Cynthia (I don't know your last name)'s - "One more bitch that hates me"
Meher Khambata's - "Breaking the bus driver's heart"
Dave Wickham - "The Ballad of Kid Wickham"

THE DICK GET DOWN
The next gig is at Downtime (251 West 30th St. between 7th and 8th) on Saturday,
January 13th at 10:00 p.m. This place is two blocks down from Penn, so it's a great
gig for all you Long Island Dickheads not to miss. It's a cool bar with two, count 'em,
two, levels. We've also been invited to open for our all-time favorite hellions, LESION,
on Saturday January 27th. That is a show you do not want to miss. Those LESION boys
are a dangerous bunch. We're only doing the gig for fear they might give us a thorough
ass-throttling if we backed out, not that a good ass-throttling isn't nice sometimes.

THE DEBACLE
So we played the show at The Orange Bear. Eh... beachballs notwithstanding,
it was a pretty crappy experience for all involved. Of course, we here at
Dick Van Dick Central hold the boys to much higher standards, so we may be
overreacting a bit, but I wouldn't be surprised if Joe placed a moratorium on
live shows for a LONG, LONG, LONG, time. He sure is a moody bastard. On the
plus side, we made $65 and may actually have acquired some live shots of
the band (something we've been striving for) so it wasn't a complete loss.

RETURN OF THE DICK
Yes Dickheads, like a battle-hardened Luke Skywalker returning to Tattoine
to free his comrade from the clutches of Jabba the Hut, Dick Van Dick is
returning to The Orange Bear to defeat the forces of evil. And while there
may not be a scantily clad Carrie Fisher prancing around seductively, there's
sure to be something there for everyone to enjoy (even you assholes).
So come on over to the dark side of the force at The Orange Bear,
(47 Murray Street 212-566-3705 Trains: 1, 9, 2, 3 at Chambers St.)
on Saturday, December 16th and May the Dick be with you.

DICK ON THE MOVE
So the deal is that we're probably playing the Orange Bear on
Saturday, December 16th to celebrate the birthday of Kate, a
bartender there. This doesn't conflict with our vow of never
playing that dump again because we were ASKED to come back.
We're also in negotiations with Neville from Downtime to set up a
gig there pretty soon. You might not know Neville, but apparently he
was the first guy to book Rancid in New York, so we got that going for us.
Stay tuned...

PUTTING THE 'DICK' BACK IN ROCK AND ROLL!
No new Dick news really, just felt like working on the site.
The CD, dicktastrophe, is available to anyone who wants it, for free.
We have a crapload (emphasis on 'crap') of new songs in the mix.
We may be playing at The Orange Bear on Monday, November 11.
More to follow...

THE DICK SESSIONS
Well, it's done. After an 11 hour grueling session at Tomato and
Lime Studios, The Dick have finally finished their demo CD.

Tentatively entitled 'weezon,' the CD contains 10 of the most
rocking tracks ever put to tape. From the poppy, bass-driven
'Bev' to the angst-filled anthem 'Sick Body,' The Dick have
successful transferred the nihilistic energy of their live shows
to a portable medium you can enjoy in the privacy of your own home.

Mp3 files of some of the songs are available for download from the
new 'media' section of the website along with exclusive photos of the
otherwise camera-shy band members.

If you're not mp3-capable, fear not, the CD is available for free to
anyone who wants one. Simply email dickvandickrocks@yahoo.com
and ask for your free copy of 'weezon' and our staff at Dick Van Dick Central
will rush one out to you, be sure to include your address, we care
about our Dickheads that much.

That's it for now, the band is taking a much needed break for the next
two weeks and will be playing out again sometime during the last week
of September or the first week of October.

THE LAST GIG
The best way I can express to you how our last gig went is through this
little bit of dialog I had with the bar manager, Querino, after the show.
This pretty much says it all. "So, Querino, whaddya think? We fuckin rocked, right?"
"Yeah, you guys good, but nobody come."
"...uh, yeah..."
So thanks to those of you who showed up and since Hank won't let
me say what I really think about the rest of you who said you'd come,
but didn't, I'll just say, "*@#% you, you *@#%ing $#@%*es!"

THE DILEMMA
Ok, listen dickheads, no more kidding around. We're in over our heads here.
Last night The Dick paid a visit to Querino, the manager of the Pyramid Club
where we're playing Saturday night. We waited for him by the big stage, upstairs
from where we THOUGHT we were playing. Querino apparently has other plans.
After brief introductions, hampered by the pounding beat of the
Tuesday night DJ, Querino cheerfully gave us a tour of the big stage (three
feet off the ground), all of the equipment that will be at our disposal
(including a live sound man and speakers as tall as Hank), and the thing
that really scared us, the fog machine (going full-bore at the time). I don't
know what this guy's angle is, but he seems perfectly content to let
Dick Van Dick, a band that's only played out once and already been banned
from a bar, use his facilities as we see fit WITHOUT EVER HAVING HEARD OUR MUSIC.

Now, I'm not saying that we're not going to totally rock the crap out of this
place, I'm not saying that at all. We'll rock the fucking paint off the walls
even if we're the only ones that show up. I KNOW we rock, that is not the question.
The question is, do you rock?
See, if we don't have a certain number of people show up at this
place on Saturday and say they are there to see Dick Van Dick then I have
a feeling Querino isn't going to be as friendly as he was last night. In addition
to that, I think Querino's promise of a show a month for us at his club will quickly be
rescinded. The only way we can't prevent the blowing of this huge opportunity
is to get a crap-load of people to go to this show Saturday night. Now, we here
at Dick Van Dick Central have stepped things up quite a few notches.
We've had our crack design team come up with new handouts and posters, we
have Chris, Hank and, yes, even Joe personally handing out invites, smiling and
asking people to come to the show. But, there's only so much we can do. If you're
not planning on going to the show because you have other plans, we
understand, but at least forward our emails or photocopy our handouts and
give them to someone you think might like us, hell give them to people you think
might hate us, we don't care. If you want, send us the email addresses of people you
think might be interested in us. Any help you can give us will be appreciated. THE DICK DO IT AGAIN
After completely rocking The Orange Bear into the ground, so far into the ground
in fact that the owner will never let The Dick play there again, we are bringing
the mayhem to the East Side.

On Saturday, August 26th, The Dick will be performing at The Pyramid Club,
101 Ave. A, bet 6th and 7th, (212) 473-7184. Dick Van Dick will take the stage
promptly at 9 p.m. and then proceed to rock the shit out of that club as well. If all
goes well, The Pyramid Club will also ban The Dick from ever returning. There
will be a small cover charge to experience this incredible event.

THE LAST SHOW
Well, it's been a busy month for The Dick.
After exhausting rehearsals and tiresome press junkets,
the boys of The Dick succeeded in completely rocking the shit
out of the Orange Bear's Open Mic Night and surprised all
by thoroughly trouncing the other bands in what was
Dick Van Dick's very first public performance. THE IDIOT
After grueling negotiations with the owner of the Orange Bear,
a moron extraordinaire by the name of Victor, The Dick
failed to secure a follow-up gig. What follows is a partial
transcription of those negotiations: ring... ring...
"Hello, Orange Bear."
"Hi, uh is Victor there?"
(shouting) "Who?"
(speaking louder now) "Victor, is Victor there?"
"Victor, yeah, hold on, who is this?"
"Joe Porletto."
"Ok, hold on. (speaking to someone else) It's some guy, Portello."
(gritting my teeth) "..."
"Huhlow."
"Hi, Victor, this is Joe, Gala's friend."
"Who's friend?"
"Gala's, she's a bartender there. My band played there Monday night."
"Oh yeah, Dick."
"Yeah, Dick Van Dick, that was us. I wanted to talk to you about getting a Saturday night gig."
"You guys are too loud."
"What?"
"You guys are too loud, you shook the glass in the window."
"...we're too loud..."
"Yeah."
"So we can't play a Saturday?"
"I gotta think of my health, you guys are too loud."
"Are you fucking kidding me? I brought 20 people into that shithole on a Monday night
and I can bring 40 on a Saturday, that doesn't mean anything to you?"
"You guys are too loud. I have bands that do a lot of drugs and
bring in business,and I don't have them play here any more."
"What the fuck are you talking about?! We don't do drugs! We just want to play on a Saturday!"
"You guys are too loud, I have to think of my health."
"So, I'm guessing you're a complete idiot then?"
"..."
"Hello?"
"You guys are too loud."
"Fuck you, moron." (click) So, as a result of these negotiations, Dick Van Dick will never
darken the door of that miserable place again. We are instituting a
Dick-Ban on the establishment and any Dick Van Dickheads
found in violation of this Ban will be severely dealt with.
But, do not despair my dear Dickheads, for The Dick will prevail. THE DEMO
Dick Van Dick will be entering Tomato and Lime Studios on September 9th
to begin recording the long awaited Dick Van Dick Demo CD, 'see dick rock.'
Advance orders are currently being accepted so email us at:
dickvandickrocks@yahoo.com to reserve your copy today. THE FUTURE
Pretty soon we'll have photos from the Orange Bear gig along with
live video from the night. In the mix as well are the stylish
Dick Van Dick t-shirts and the always popular Dick-Stickers. see dick rock.