THE WEEK IN DICK
Your guide to the world of Dick Van Dick.
YOU HAVE THIS LONG TILL THE NEXT DICK HAPPENING:
MAY WE ROCK?
Dick Van Dick returns to Connolly's in Midtown to rock the paint off the walls
and put some babies in your butt. Don't miss it!
Dick Van Dick
Friday, May 29 at 9pm
Connolly's Klub 45
121 West 45 St. (between 6th Ave. & Broadway)
MARCH ON DOWN!
The next gig is only two weeks away and boy is it gonna be a doozy!
It's got everything you ever wanted in a gig and more:
* Easy-to-get-to location? Check!
* Brand new songs and set list? Check!
* Great night and time slot? Check!
* Full out no-holds-barred rock? CHECK!
Seriously, if you only see one gig this year, make this the one. Here's the dilly:
Dick Van Dick
Thursday, March 12, 9:00pm
The National Underground
159 E. Houston Street @ 1st Ave.
Take the F to Second Ave and use the 1st & Houston Exit
DOWN ON YOU!
The DICK will be appearing Wednesday, April 2 at 9pm at
The R Bar, 218 Bowery bet. Prince & Spring
$2 off cover w/ flyer $2 BUD LIGHTS 7-8PM
The DICK are taking a break from gigging to record some new tracks.
Get your DICK VAN DICK fix by picking up our tracks from iTunes or
CDbaby.com. We'll be back with new material before you know it.
And be on the lookout for the new website redesign!
GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!
Dick Van Dick loves to rock. Dick Van Dick loves strippers.
It just makes sense for us to once again rock the runway of the Pussycat Lounge.
This is a great chance to catch the DICK at their best before
they take a break for the summer. Get your shit together yo.
The Pussycat Lounge
96 Greenwich Street, 2nd Floor, New York, NY
When: Saturday, May 20, 8:00pm
Phone: (212) 349-4800
SOMEONE NEEDS ROCKIN!
The lovely ladies of the Pussycat Lounge begged and pleaded
for the DICK to return and after much ballyhooing they have relented!
DICK VAN DICK will once again rock the crap out of NYC's most rockinest Strip/Rock club.
They'll be new songs along with T & A galore!
Grab your rhinestone thong and get your ass in gear yo.
The Pussycat Lounge
96 Greenwich Street, 2nd Floor, New York, NY
When: Friday, April 28, 8:00pm
Phone: (212) 349-4800
THE DICK ROCK THE PUSSYCAT
DICK VAN DICK returns to rock the living crap out of those retards at
the Pussycat Lounge. A new look, some new songs, but the same old
punch-my-fist-through-your-stomach-and-break-your-goddamned-spine rock and roll.
The Pussycat Lounge
96 Greenwich Street, 2nd Floor, New York, NY
When: Friday, February 3, 8:00pm
Phone: (212) 349-4800
THE DICK ALSO RISES
This is the DICK's last chance at redemption dear friends.
We've conned, cajoled and cock-blocked our way into opening
for those German Rottwellers of Rock, LESION, at Sin-e on
Thursday, July 28 at 7:30 pm. And if the DICK don't bring
their rock, along with 25-50 adoring/paying fans, DICK VAN DICK
as you know and love us may die a painful, and rather untimely death.
Put your money where your rock is motherfuckers and please come
support DICK VAN MOTHER FUCKING DICK. And if you haven't gotten
your asses blown out after our super-rocking set, stick around
and get Donkey Punched by the Germanic Panic of LESION.
Thank you for your support and God bless.
Location: Sin-e 150 Attorney Street, New York, NY
When: Thursday, July 28, 7:30 pm
D I C K V A N D I C K
will be playing at
ARLENE'S GROCERY on
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30 at 8 pm
with special guests
L E S I O N
Clear your fucking calendars.
THE DICK RECLAIM NYC
Send those dirty Republicans packing! DICK VAN DICK will
vanquish the filthy Republican hordes by rocking the fuck
out of ARLENE'S GROCERY on Friday, Sept. 3rd at 10 pm.
Be there or it means you're a commie freak.
RISE OF THE DICK
We're coming back yo, twice as hard and half as sorry.
DICK VAN DICK
SATURDAY, MAY 22ND at 9PM
S I B E R I A
356 WEST 40TH STREET
AMERICA'S SWEETHEART &
TIED FOR LAST
Be there or it's your ass..
DEATH OF A DICK
Hank and Joe checked out the spot for the DICK's final gig yo.
Not the tidiest of places, but the DICK have never been known
to be picky. This gig will fuck that place up more than it already is.
AMERICA'S SWEETHEART has been triple-confirmed for
the show and those ladies have quite a rocking set planned.
LESION promises to send the DICK off with a big, jackbooted
kick in the ass, so prepare yourselves for a good ass-throttling.
RIDE THE MOLE will supposedly be there as well, but we here at
DICK VAN DICK CENTRAL have no intelligence on them as of yet.
And as always, DICK VAN DICK will rock you so hard and long that
you will leave the venue in tears, knowing deep in your heart that
you'll never be satisfied by another for as long as you may live.
WHAT: THE DEATH OF THE DICK
WHEN: WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18 AT 8 PM
WHERE: SIBERIA, 356 W 40th St. (VERY HARD TO FIND)
WHY: Cause the Fat Lady (Joe in this case) will sing.
HOW: Like a long-tailed cat in a room filled with rocking chairs.
THE GOOD DICK
DICK VAN DICK will be playing the benefit:
"ROCK OUT FOR RHODE ISLAND!"
It's this Sunday, May 4th, at Arlene Grocery.
All proceeds will go to the Rhode Island Fire Victims Fund.
We'll be having a special surprise guest "vocalist" coming on.
Those German rock-fucks LESION will be performing as well.
More to follow yo, but clear your damn calendars.
ROCK AND AWE
DICK VAN DICK is currently setting up a slew of new gigs
for the months of April and May. We're gonna be playing
our first benfit show along with a special guest vocalist
and we'll be debuting some brand spanking new songs yo!
So break out your chaps and get on board motherfuckers!
LOVE AND DICK
DICK VAN DICK will be making a "love connection" at CONTINENTAL on Thursday, February 13th at 11 pm.
As if that weren't enough, those putrid cupids, LESION
will be following up at 11:45 pm with their own brand of
love and rocking. Can you feel the love? I know I can.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DICK VAN DICK?
Your favorite lazy-ass rockstars, DICK VAN DICK will be dropping a
huge, steaming load of rock on stage at the CONTINENTAL this
month on Thursday, January 9th at 8:45 p.m. precisely.
Be there you nutless Mary.
Listen, we know we've been remiss in our duties as ass-kicking,
hard-rocking, booze-swilling, nipple-tweaking rockstars. We're sorry.
We promise to make up for it. We've been dragging our feet getting the
new CD out mainly because shit like that costs money yo. As a band, the
dough flows low if you know what we mean. And for some reason it's been
harder than usual to get gigs. I think every asshole and his brother are
out there now trying to be the next "Strokes" or "Hives" (they all suck).
So, we're gonna redesign the site, get second jobs to pay for the CD,
and force our way into new bars to rock the shit out their colons.
Now more than ever dear Dickheads, trust in the Dick. Thank you.
Now, go buy some shit: www.cafepress.com/dickvandick
DICK TO FANS: HOLD YOUR ROLL YO
We're setting up new gigs, retooling old favorites and polishing our knobs.
Go buy some Dick Van Dick merchandise at www.cafepress.com/dickvandick
DICKS BY DESIGN
DICK VAN DICK will be opening for LESION at ARLENE GROCERY on
MONDAY, AUGUST 26th at 7:00 pm as part of the LESION LIFESTYLE.
We'll be giving out CD singles from the upcoming album AMERICAN DICK
as well as some previously unreleased live tracks. Bring your mom.
DICK VAN DICK SAYS "CHILL"
Give us some time to "reorg" yo.
DASTARDLY DOUBLE-TEAM: DICK
VAN DICK / LESION
The DICK will be opening for those miserable geniuses, LESION,
on Saturday, April 13 at 10 pm at ARLENE
We'll be debuting some new songs off our upcoming CD.
As usual, general mayhem and debauchery will ensue.
Be sure to bring your little sister.
DICK VAN DICK SECURES GIG AT ACME UNDERGROUND,
NATION BREATHES COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF
What: A kick-ass gig where we debut a crapload of new songs.
When: Saturday Feb. 23rd @ 11 p.m.
Where: ACME UNDERGROUND, 9 Great Jones St. bet. B'way & Lafayette
Why: Because we're sick of recording the new CD.
How: With our feet on the ground and our asses to the stars!
THE DICKLESS WONDER
What do the Dickless wonder?
They wonder what the fuck THE DICK have been up to lately, that's
what. Well, the boys have been real busy lately, mapping out the
near-future of DICK VAN DICK and their beloved DICKHEADS.
First off, THE DICK just finished mixing down the live tracks from the
Halloween show at ARLENE GROCERY, and they fucking ROCK.
It never ceases to amaze us here at DICK VAN DICK CENTRAL how
the guys continually reach new apexes of KICK-ASS at their live shows.
A big shout-out to the guys from LESION for the hook-up. The tracks
may be released as a CD later on, hold your breath.
Secondly, plans for the next album are underway with the boys
heading into the studio in early January for a possible February release.
We're hoping for a nice romantic Valentine's Day release party with
cock-straps, chocolate covered cherries and ass-ticklers.
Thirdly, we're setting up a late December or early January gig as a
warm-up for recording the CD. This is not a gig you wanna miss,
motherfucker. THE DICK will be debuting all-new, never-heard,
ass-throttling tracks as a lead-in for the new CD's release. So clear
your damn calendars you self-absorbed assholes.
That's about it for now. If anyone has any preferences for days or
times of the next gig, let us know and we'll take in into consideration.
RIDGE TAPS DICK TO HEAD HOMELAND ROCKING
WASHINGTON (AP) - In a bold move tailored to show the world just
how seriously America is taking the terrorist threat, Homeland
Security Chief Tom Ridge met with congressional leaders today to
establish the U.S. Department of Rock. Ridge went on to name
New York rockers, DICK VAN DICK, to head up the fledging office's
Bureau of Kick-Ass.
"We're dealing with shadow soldiers, a shadow enemy," Ridge
said, "We need some kick-ass rockers, taking care of business
right here at home, if we hope to win this thing. And nobody kicks
ass like The Dick."
Reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed.
"Dick Van who?" Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said, "I
haven't heard from him since 'Diagnosis Murder' got canned."
"Oh my god!" screamed an ecstatic Jenna Bush, "DICK VAN DICK
is gonna be working for MY dad? They are sooooo cute. Where's my
condoms... uh, I mean camera?"
At a press conference immediately following the announcement,
DICK VAN DICK front-man, Joe Porletto, expressed some confusion
about the appointment.
"...um ...whassa?" Porletto said.
According to inside sources, the first official action taken by
DICK VAN DICK as the head of the Bureau of Kick-Ass will be to
hold a "Kick-Ass Halloween Rockfest" tonight at ARLENE GROCERY
(95 Stanton Street, between Ludlow and Orchard, one block
south of Houston).
A press aide for 'The Dick' said that there will be a $5 cover, lots of
"booze and broads" and a costume contest. And, in a show of
international solidarity, German rockers LESION will also be appearing.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DICK
DICK VAN DICK has been "triple-confirmed" for a Halloween gig
at ARLENE GROCERY. We'll be following those bastions of evil, LESION.
This is going to be an awesome show with a lot of surprises, the least of
which being the mystery bass player who'll be standing in with THE DICK.
Here's the info:
WHO: DICK VAN DICK & LESION (www.lesionallevil.com)
WHAT: Bitchin' Halloween Rockfest
WHERE: ARLENE GROCERY (www.arlene-grocery.com)
WHEN: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2001
WHY: Because SATAN commands it.
HOW: With plenty of blood, balls and broads.
THE SEARCH FOR DICK
We need some time to audition new bass players yo, but we
should be set to rock a sweet-ass Halloween gig. Stay tuned!
RETURN OF THE DICK
The latest incarnation of Dick Van Dick has cajoled themselves a gig at:
D O W N T I M E
251 West 30th Street Between 7th & 8th Avenues
for Thursday, August 30th at 10 p.m. precisely.
More to follow...
ONE DICK DOWN
If any of you Dickheads know of anybody who'd like to play bass
for The Dick, please have them call Joe at (718) 633-8003 ASAFP.
More to follow...
POLL UP YOUR ASS
Take a second and vote for your favorite Dick Van Dick
song. You won't win anything.
and since we don't care what anyone thinks of us, we won't put any weight
on the results.
It's pretty much just a waste of time, but what the hell, you got anything
better to do?
PREPARE FOR BATTLE!
That's right Dickheads, the boys have suited up, sharpened their weapons
and kissed their moms goodbye all in preparation for their first:
B A T T L E O F T H E B A N D S
And on Sunday, July 1 at 10 p.m. Dick Van Dick will raise the black flag
and dive headfirst into the bloody fray at:
THE WRONGWAY INN in Amityville, NY
(Southern State Pky. East to Exit 32 (Rt. 110 South) 5 miles South on right)
So all of you Long Island Dickheads better come out to support our boys,
they're gonna need it. Dick Van Dick also has a possible Fourth of July gig
at some loft party in Manhattan and all Dickheads are invited, more to follow.
For all of you miserable pieces of shit that missed the last gig (which totally
fucking rocked) pics of the gig are posted in the Media section of the website.
THE DICK GO UNDERGROUND
After a short break to work on new material, DICK VAN DICK has secured a
gig at ACME UNDERGROUND (9 Great Jones St. bet. Broadway & Lafayette)
The Dick will be performing on Monday, June 4th at 9:30 p.m. precisely.
This is gonna be all new Dick people, so you do not want to miss it.
We'd just like to thank everyone who made the gig last week. We really
appreciated you guys showing up and we hope you enjoyed the show. True
to form, the Dick held their own on a pretty talented (and shirtless) bill.
As a result of the gig, Dick Van Dick has been commissioned to play a
birthday party being held at the Downtime this Sunday. This is a private
gig, so no Dickheads allowed, but we'll let you know how it turns out.
The Dick have also been asked to contribute a track to the indie film
"Deleterious" being put together by those creative geniuses over at Midnight Mind. It looks like 'Sick
Body' will be the one. More to follow...
Oh yeah, if you haven't heard already you can buy 'dicktastrophe'
online from cdbaby.com.
Make sure you pick one up today! CALL IN 'DICK' TO WORK
Dick Van Dick will be playing at
251 West 30th St.
Thursday, March 22nd at 10 p.m. precisely
Now, we know a lot of you Dickheads have been complaining about the time
of the gig. Stop being pussies. If you're so concerned about it, just call
'Dick' to work the next day. Don't know how to call in 'Dick?'
Just follow this handy format:
You: "Hi Boss, it's me."
Boss: "You! Why aren't you at work?"
You: "Uh, I'm Dick."
Boss: "What? You're what?"
You: "I'm Dick."
Boss: "You're sick?"
You: "No, Dick."
Boss: "Did you say Dick?"
You: "Yeah, Dick."
Boss: "Who the Hell is Dick?!?"
You: "I am."
Boss: "I don't understand, you're not coming to work
because you're... uh... because you're Dick?"
Boss: "...hmmm, maybe it is a good idea you stay home,
you don't sound well."
You: "Ok, thanks, Dick, uh, I mean Boss, C'ya."
See how easy it is? So we'll expect you all at the gig.
GIVE US A BREAK
The boys have taken a small break from gigging to work on some new material.
I know you may think we're a little biased, but we gotta say the new stuff
Songs like, "America's Sweetheart," "Exit 55," and "Action Jackson" bring
to a whole new level of rock. All of you Dickheads should be stewing in puddles
anticipatory body fluids while awaiting this remergence of rock's newest superstars.
MANY DICKFELT THANKS
We here at Dick Van Dick Central would like to extend our most heartfelt thanks
to all of you Dickheads who attended the show Saturday night at the Downtime.
The show was a most glorious success. Never in our wildest dreams did we
ever imagine that The Dick would be able to draw a crowd like it did Saturday
Because they boys were able to draw enough people to satisfy Neville, the
nut who booked them, Dick Van Dick will be playing at the Downtime again in
or so and will be able to give away even more free Dick Van Dick merchandise.
Now, like we've said before, the boys in the band are a lot harder on themselves
they need to be sometimes, and having said that we can't help but mention
Joe feels for what he deemed to be a horrible performance on his part. He
to Dick Van Dick standards, he broke a string, he played the wrong chords
just acted like a blundering dolt. The reasons for his actions are many, the
first being that
he just isn't really that good a musician. He just kinda gets up there and
"goes with the
flow" as he puts it. Chris and Hank are the musical backbone of the band,
just another pretty face. But, there are some other factors that may have
his "sucking"; he ate a two-pound Uncle Moe's burrito earlier that day and
up with a handful of MaHuang Extract pills, which always kinda skewers his
both his brothers were in the audience and those two goons would make anyone
nervous and we're not sure about this, but we suspect that he has a schoolboy
crush on a certain Dickhead and when he realized she was at the show he got
giddy and lost his cool. Whatever the reason though, Joe apologizes and has
promised to make it up to the all of you loyal Dick Van Dickheads at future
Now, as for the 25 songs Joe promised to write about 25 Dickheads, some of
songs are already in the works. Some Dickheads though, are not eligible to
songs written about them. People like Bev (Bev!), Melissa (Tiny Ears), Lori
Stacey (Ten Things), and Mike (Bring in Demasi) already have songs and we
a strict "one to a customer" policy. For the rest of you, just reply to this
email and write
a short little HONEST paragraph about yourself disclosing anything you think
to who you are. If Joe knows you well enough, he'll ignore this paragraph
and write about
how HE sees you, but if you and Joe aren't that close, this will be what he
goes on to pen
your little diddy. The first 25 to reply get songs, the rest have to wait
until the next gig.
Did you say next gig?
Sure did, chum!
The next gig will be at Sin-e in Williamsburg on Saturday, January 27th.
Dick Van Dick will be opening for those Monsters of Rock, LESION.
Details will follow, but go to www.lesionallevil.com for more info.
Once again, thanks so much to those of you who were able to come
to the show, it really meant a lot to us and we are very grateful.
Here are some working titles Joe's been tossing around for the first few fan
Steve Pagano's - "Pagano a mano"
Max Brustmeyer's - "Schnell!"
Rob Goldblatt's - "Friend of a friend"
Anastasia Kinsella's - "America's Sweetheart"
Mike Soldinger's - "Rasin nipples"
Cynthia (I don't know your last name)'s - "One more bitch that hates me"
Meher Khambata's - "Breaking the bus driver's heart"
Dave Wickham - "The Ballad of Kid Wickham"
THE DICK GET DOWN
The next gig is at Downtime (251 West 30th St. between 7th and 8th) on Saturday,
January 13th at 10:00 p.m. This place is two blocks down from Penn, so it's
gig for all you Long Island Dickheads not to miss. It's a cool bar with two,
two, levels. We've also been invited to open for our all-time favorite hellions,
on Saturday January 27th. That is a show you do not want to miss. Those LESION
are a dangerous bunch. We're only doing the gig for fear they might give us
ass-throttling if we backed out, not that a good ass-throttling isn't nice
So we played the show at The Orange Bear. Eh... beachballs notwithstanding,
it was a pretty crappy experience for all involved. Of course, we here at
Dick Van Dick Central hold the boys to much higher standards, so we may be
overreacting a bit, but I wouldn't be surprised if Joe placed a moratorium
live shows for a LONG, LONG, LONG, time. He sure is a moody bastard. On the
plus side, we made $65 and may actually have acquired some live shots of
the band (something we've been striving for) so it wasn't a complete loss.
RETURN OF THE DICK
Yes Dickheads, like a battle-hardened Luke Skywalker returning to Tattoine
to free his comrade from the clutches of Jabba the Hut, Dick Van Dick is
returning to The Orange Bear to defeat the forces of evil. And while there
may not be a scantily clad Carrie Fisher prancing around seductively, there's
sure to be something there for everyone to enjoy (even you assholes).
So come on over to the dark side of the force at The Orange Bear,
(47 Murray Street 212-566-3705 Trains: 1, 9, 2, 3 at Chambers St.)
on Saturday, December 16th and May the Dick be with you.
DICK ON THE MOVE
So the deal is that we're probably playing the Orange Bear on
Saturday, December 16th to celebrate the birthday of Kate, a
bartender there. This doesn't conflict with our vow of never
playing that dump again because we were ASKED to come back.
We're also in negotiations with Neville from Downtime to set up a
gig there pretty soon. You might not know Neville, but apparently he
was the first guy to book Rancid in New York, so we got that going for us.
PUTTING THE 'DICK' BACK
IN ROCK AND ROLL!
No new Dick news really, just felt like working on the site.
The CD, dicktastrophe, is available to anyone who wants it, for free.
We have a crapload (emphasis on 'crap') of new songs in the mix.
We may be playing at The Orange Bear on Monday, November 11.
More to follow...
THE DICK SESSIONS
Well, it's done. After an 11 hour grueling session at Tomato and
Lime Studios, The Dick have finally finished their demo CD.
Tentatively entitled 'weezon,' the CD contains 10 of the most
rocking tracks ever put to tape. From the poppy, bass-driven
'Bev' to the angst-filled anthem 'Sick Body,' The Dick have
successful transferred the nihilistic energy of their live shows
to a portable medium you can enjoy in the privacy of your own home.
Mp3 files of some of the songs are available for download from the
new 'media' section of the website along with exclusive photos of the
otherwise camera-shy band members.
If you're not mp3-capable, fear not, the CD is available for free to
anyone who wants one. Simply email firstname.lastname@example.org
and ask for your free copy of 'weezon' and our staff at Dick Van Dick Central
will rush one out to you, be sure to include your address, we care
about our Dickheads that much.
That's it for now, the band is taking a much needed break for the next
two weeks and will be playing out again sometime during the last week
of September or the first week of October.
THE LAST GIG
The best way I can express to you how our last gig went is through this
little bit of dialog I had with the bar manager, Querino, after the show.
This pretty much says it all. "So, Querino, whaddya think? We fuckin rocked,
"Yeah, you guys good, but nobody come."
So thanks to those of you who showed up and since Hank won't let
me say what I really think about the rest of you who said you'd come,
but didn't, I'll just say, "*@#% you, you *@#%ing $#@%*es!"
Ok, listen dickheads, no more kidding around. We're in over our heads here.
Last night The Dick paid a visit to Querino, the manager of the Pyramid Club
where we're playing Saturday night. We waited for him by the big stage, upstairs
from where we THOUGHT we were playing. Querino apparently has other plans.
After brief introductions, hampered by the pounding beat of the
Tuesday night DJ, Querino cheerfully gave us a tour of the big stage (three
feet off the ground), all of the equipment that will be at our disposal
(including a live sound man and speakers as tall as Hank), and the thing
that really scared us, the fog machine (going full-bore at the time). I don't
know what this guy's angle is, but he seems perfectly content to let
Dick Van Dick, a band that's only played out once and already been banned
from a bar, use his facilities as we see fit WITHOUT EVER HAVING HEARD OUR
Now, I'm not saying that we're not going to totally rock the crap out of this
place, I'm not saying that at all. We'll rock the fucking paint off the walls
even if we're the only ones that show up. I KNOW we rock, that is not the
The question is, do you rock?
See, if we don't have a certain number of people show up at this
place on Saturday and say they are there to see Dick Van Dick then I have
a feeling Querino isn't going to be as friendly as he was last night. In addition
to that, I think Querino's promise of a show a month for us at his club will
rescinded. The only way we can't prevent the blowing of this huge opportunity
is to get a crap-load of people to go to this show Saturday night. Now, we
at Dick Van Dick Central have stepped things up quite a few notches.
We've had our crack design team come up with new handouts and posters, we
have Chris, Hank and, yes, even Joe personally handing out invites, smiling
asking people to come to the show. But, there's only so much we can do. If
not planning on going to the show because you have other plans, we
understand, but at least forward our emails or photocopy our handouts and
give them to someone you think might like us, hell give them to people you
might hate us, we don't care. If you want, send us the email addresses of
think might be interested in us. Any help you can give us will be appreciated.
THE DICK DO IT AGAIN
After completely rocking The Orange Bear into the ground, so far into the
in fact that the owner will never let The Dick play there again, we are bringing
the mayhem to the East Side.
On Saturday, August 26th, The Dick will be performing at
The Pyramid Club,
101 Ave. A, bet 6th and 7th, (212) 473-7184. Dick Van Dick will take the stage
promptly at 9 p.m. and then proceed to rock the shit out of that club as well.
goes well, The Pyramid Club will also ban The Dick from ever returning. There
will be a small cover charge to experience this incredible event.
THE LAST SHOW
Well, it's been a busy month for The Dick.
After exhausting rehearsals and tiresome press junkets,
the boys of The Dick succeeded in completely rocking the shit
out of the Orange Bear's Open Mic Night and surprised all
by thoroughly trouncing the other bands in what was
Dick Van Dick's very first public performance. THE
After grueling negotiations with the owner of the Orange Bear,
a moron extraordinaire by the name of Victor, The Dick
failed to secure a follow-up gig. What follows is a partial
transcription of those negotiations: ring...
"Hello, Orange Bear."
"Hi, uh is Victor there?"
(speaking louder now) "Victor, is Victor there?"
"Victor, yeah, hold on, who is this?"
"Ok, hold on. (speaking to someone else) It's some guy, Portello."
(gritting my teeth) "..."
"Hi, Victor, this is Joe, Gala's friend."
"Gala's, she's a bartender there. My band played there Monday night."
"Oh yeah, Dick."
"Yeah, Dick Van Dick, that was us. I wanted to talk to you about getting a
Saturday night gig."
"You guys are too loud."
"You guys are too loud, you shook the glass in the window."
"...we're too loud..."
"So we can't play a Saturday?"
"I gotta think of my health, you guys are too loud."
"Are you fucking kidding me? I brought 20 people into that shithole on a Monday
and I can bring 40 on a Saturday, that doesn't mean anything to you?"
"You guys are too loud. I have bands that do a lot of drugs and
bring in business,and I don't have them play here any more."
"What the fuck are you talking about?! We don't do drugs! We just want to
play on a Saturday!"
"You guys are too loud, I have to think of my health."
"So, I'm guessing you're a complete idiot then?"
"You guys are too loud."
"Fuck you, moron." (click) So,
as a result of these negotiations, Dick Van Dick will never
darken the door of that miserable place again. We are instituting a
Dick-Ban on the establishment and any Dick Van Dickheads
found in violation of this
Ban will be severely dealt with.
But, do not despair my dear Dickheads, for The Dick will prevail.
Dick Van Dick will be entering Tomato
and Lime Studios on September 9th
to begin recording the long awaited Dick Van Dick Demo CD, 'see dick rock.'
Advance orders are currently being accepted so email us at: email@example.com
to reserve your copy today. THE
Pretty soon we'll have photos from the Orange Bear gig along with
live video from the night. In the mix as well are the stylish
Dick Van Dick t-shirts and the always popular Dick-Stickers. see